IN GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her
finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom
wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Unless you are the groom, kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds
may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not give a bl*w job while traveling in a funeral procession.
Tips for Red Necks?
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss,concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??" "No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
-------
A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5, 6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."
---------
This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy.
A blonde woman walks into an auto parts store and the parts man asks how she is doing and what can he do for her. She replies, "Fine, I need a seven-ten cap for my car." The man asks," A seven-ten cap? Where does it go, I've never heard of such a thing?"
The blonde angrily replies, "It goes on top of the engine and don't think just because I'm blonde I don't know what I'm talking about!!" Perplexed, the parts man asks if she would draw him a picture and maybe help him out in figuring out what it is she needs.
Reader: Draw the number 710 in the middle of the paper and draw a circle around the whole number. Now turn the paper upside down.
---------
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."
----------
Two blondes are walking down the street: One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it; looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here,let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
--------
The kindergarten were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use "grown up words" instead of "baby words." She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nanna. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word." Then the teacher asked the blonde what she did during the summer. She proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book she had read. The blonde puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the ****."
----
yes.. i agree.. 2+2=5... that blonde chick is so stupid.. we all kno 2+2=3... sed a blonde dude
----
Reply:ha, i am still laughing after those.
Reply:Me an' my brotha Bubba, we be downrite offended by these here insultin' words!
Reply:Hahaha! This is very funny!
:)
Reply:hahahahahahaha
that was a good one.
that was good
infact that was verygood
infact that was funny
infact that was very funny
infact that was beautiful
infact that was very beautiful
infact the was wonderful
infact that was marvellous
infact that was excellent
infac that was hilarious
infact that was...
infact that was...
that was........
that was so funny that it made me LOL!!!!
Reply:Ya'll, I'm not sure whether to laugh or feel insulted, lol. Boy you dun come from the south cause it don't work that way here, I'm afraid. Rednecks...friends...family...neighbors.... you know those are all the same word in the south? And why not use a pheasant as a table centerpiece? It took some work to kill the thing! :-P
Reply:my oh my, this is just too funny
sweating
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment